My Heart Hurt Yesterday

Saturdays in general have been challenging for the past several years BUT  yesterday hurt. It wasn't that it was so much more intense than other Saturdays I think it was more the realization of helplessness I felt when I cant make his "hurting" go away.

Saturday's are transitional days for Dak --- because of his heavy reliance on schedules and routines especially with television along with other factors, He often times has behavioral issues. Sometimes it is sadness. Other times it can escalate all the way to physical aggression. As I have described many times before it is like the static in his head overwhelms his ability to think out his choices or options which in turn, CAN change him into a raving maniac{AND I say that with the greatest LOVE} It is as if he cannot calm the fire storm in his head so his body rebels. He can growl and shout. He can grab or even try to hit himself, on occasion he will try to grab my arm/hand and try to slap or hit himself. I have no fear because his intent is to rid the noise in his head and the simple fact that his motor skill level is not that of a trained fighter --its not like he can land a punch its more about the flailing of the body. I have said many times I probably could hurt him more than he could hurt me and I approach all inter action with that acute awareness. I must admit being a "typical thinker" it is extremely  difficult not to react to someone who is in a "physical mode" BUT he is my baby and I could never ...Well I just cant even think about it-- I can only say that no matter who it is; when someone attempts to come at you even with the purest motives or the knowledge that they have a mental impairement you have to have the mental fortitude to quash the innermost feelings of survival AND NOT RETALIATE. In Fact it has been my experience and has been what yields the best result most of the time is to walk away. Leave the room , allow whatever is happening to just "let the air out of the balloon" . I know many of you may not have that option because you need to monitor self injurious behavior BUT when its possible its worth a try-- {If they are in a safe environment}
When I feel Dak needs someones presence during these episodes I will simply sit on the edge of the bed or in the room and just not say anything--just be there and try to express in my eyes and body language that I am there and I will be there even as mad as he is...........

Yesterday was really no different than many other "Saturday Blow outs" what was different was my epiphamy that came later in the day--Dak was more sorrowful than usual yesterday and he even changed many of the things he usually "requires be accomplished  even on a Saturday " {which has happened before} BUT he was really displaying emotion the crying had purpose it was not just a product of the ranting, he seemed to be trying to tell me something and he even layed down and fell asleep requiring me to be right by his side . Even tho he was asleep and I mean deep breathing the minute I moved he stirred-- "Mommy where ya goin?" He needed me and I knew that the only thing I could do was just cave into the need.The rest of the day could go to hell -- My kid needed me and he needed me to set aside what ever the rest of the day had planned . I have no reservations about that -- because you see he did not ask to be born and he certainly did not ask to be born with Autism or any other kind of disorder so the least I can do for him is be the best Mom I know how . To hell with the rest of the world.

OK so here's the crux of the title-- My Heart Hurt Yesterday, after the whole thing was over and things resumed to what we call "normal" in our home these thoughts flowed over me like a soft waterfall. I FEEL that PERHAPS the Saturday thing is more about separation; not a break in routine--- and I may be totally wrong but that's what came to me last night. Dak often does something with his Dad on Saturday and although I know he looks forward to that activity I wonder if he is experiencing a fear not a change. In retrospect the saddness was deeply emotional and it was fearful . Although he can express himself his words are limited to HIS dialogue{ he talks about what he wants to talk about}  . When I attempted to ask him what was bothering him or why he was so sorrowful he retreated into his "communication shell" . I guess what this whole article is about was how emotional it made me because I could not resolve his sorrow.
I always want him to feel safe with me and to know I will always protect him as fiercely as a Mother bear.  My heart hurt yesterday because my son could not tell me what made him so sad. I will go on observing and assessing to do the best job I can with the hope that someday he will break from his shell and tell me how I can make LIFE better for him.