What a difference a week makes!

Its 2 am and I am so overwhelmed right now I feel like I am the one who needs the meds and possibly a stay in Camarillo{A well known State Mental Hospital in California}

Dak returned early from his Dads last weekend and it wasn't good--Barring all the circumstances the police were involved on the basis of a "welfare check" but we all know someone probably though it was much worse --A N Y W A Y

The week since had been relatively quiet and still looked liked the meds being reduced was going to be OK. Wednesday rolled around and he started to show some of the more intense agressiveness that I thought had vanished. Saturday came and we were back to the the "Saturday Syndrome". Don't know if I have ever called it that before but essentially the weekends seem to throw Dakota off-- Mostly because of the TV schedule. Its like Crack for him-- I don't mean to be frivolous with that phrase but but he is addicted to the weekly TV schedule and when Saturday arrives he refuses to turn on the TV and in fact starts with the growling and aggressiveness if anyone else wants to turns it on--{ I am glad he has it off but I don't like what it does to him and his behavior}
OK from there the weekend went down hill
At this point I am so frustrated and exhausted not to mention alone, I am not sure where to turn-- There is no outlet and no support.
Due to his difficulties at his Dads last week I came to the conclusion that No Meds just is NOT an Option for Dakota, at least for now-- I really had "pie in the sky" hopes for a med free kid and still maintain that is a possibility H O W E V E R I can honestly say that from what we have endured this weekend it is not fair to Dakota to let him feel some of the emotion he displayed--I cannot begin to imagine what it must feel like in his head when this rage takes over.
I have started him on another medication to see if he can be switched to something else that could potentially be healthier for him. He has only been on it for 2 days --BUT from what I am seeing right now I don't know how long I am willing to let this go on before I go back to what I know was working for him--- I know "Don't fix what ain't broke" and I went and did it-- so now we all have to suffer the consequences.
Its all my fault and its my responsibility to fix it-- I am just trying to be patient with my decisions. At least trying to give this med a couple of days to be effective -- 
Perhaps a week that's about all I think I can take and its all I am willing to allow Dakota to suffer.
Last week I was riding high and This week I feel like I am in a cyclone from HELL -- who knows what next week will feel like----What a difference a week makes!

Continuing reduction of Meds--

Well so far so good-- we are almost med free and seem to be doing pretty well=-- the doctors visit will help with getting a better picture.Should be med free and out of the system by the time we hit the doctors offfice. Have noticed a marked increase in language and conversational skills. Sleep patters changing a bit and seems to be a little more active-- which seems to be normal.
I am interested to see if this is a step in the right direction BUT for now I am happy with the results-- ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Mothers Day

This is a day that just about everyone celebrates in some way-- Obviously because "Everyone has a Mother". I don't believe it takes a day "earmarked" to honor the person who gave birth to us, However our society kinda "gloms" on to this tradition and you actually can feel left out or excluded if you don't "participate".

For the vast majority of Moms who have kids and adult children with Autism this can be a day of sadness-- AND ITS OK TO FEEL THAT WAY. MOST Children no matter how difficult they can be; find some way to stop for even 10 minutes and buy a card, to give a kiss and hug, make something they did all themselves or pick up the phone and say "I Love you". For the families with Autism it can be a very different day. Many of our kids don't have the concept or social "cognizance" to understand those delicate nuances of a card hand picked by them or a small effort to construct a picture on their own-- They do not get that there is any meaning behind this or what is significance can be.

Many of the Moms who live with Autism think of this as just another day to get by -- Keeping a routine in place so there is no meltdown or gracefully bowing out of an invitation with the knowledge that somehow it would become a disaster instead of a pleasure . I don't want this to sound OMINOUS I just want to express what I am quite sure many have already thought.

For Years My mother has made an effort to have a card and some little thing for me, by my son, on Mothers Day{and other holidays too}-- Don't not get me wrong I am appreciative and that's what my Mother did for me even tho it was her turn too! Its the simple fact that Dakota doesn't seem to understand that it is what comes from him that makes me the most proud--Theres an emptiness that comes on your birthday,Christmas or some other holiday when you cannot enjoy a small simple gesture from your child. Its not about the glory or bragging rights  of what they got you or did for you; its about being "typical".  Its about being like everyone else  once in awhile. Its just another part of our world that many cannot comprehend. 

We as Moms on this path know its OK and we are OK and we WILL BE OK ! Its just another glitch on the system or another niche in the road. We will get by it. Just in a different way than Most Moms today.

Capture what you can with who you can! Enjoy the day because you are here and with your family and not because it is a holiday to recognize that. Be thankful for the crazy things in your life and always know there are other people out there with different struggles and theirs can always be worse than yours.  

AND for all the Moms out there living with Autism I send a special tribute to you as an "unsung hero" and a "keeper of the torch"  to bring just a little more light into your child's life. You are all my heroes-- Happy Mothers Day    

An Ahhhha Moment! "Heaven"

One of the most difficult things with Autism is that you know that the kids are not "retarded " BUT often times there is great thought about the individuals "conceptual " thinking skills-- {What do they know by rote or example and what do they truly understand!} {example: the difference between the words two and both; 2 separate words yet they can refer to the same thing}

Just 2 days ago Dakota and I were watching the Family Feud. Steve Harvey reads the question " Name one of things you might see when you die" and before either of the people could push their buzzers and reply, Dakota shouted out "Heaven"! Setting aside anyones beliefs;The amazing part of this was that he shouted it out with such conviction. He understood the question and he answered the question not by rote. Yes one could argue this is a "pat" answer I will however go to my grave believing otherwise---He heard the question and he knew the answer---

It may seem trivial to most especially ones who do not deal with Autism . I cannot tell you how many times over and over your child gets shut down, questioned and assessed as mentally retarded to speech and language delayed {and of course everything in between} You discuss with these "professionals" how you see progress, how you see growth, how you know your child is doing more than they want to give him credit for, yet their "opinion"  prevails . They think you are reading more into it than is really there or you are over reacting to something that seem minute to them. What I say is "YOU WILL NOT DAMPEN MY SPIRITS -- YOU WILL NEVER CONVINCE ME I AM WRONG ABOUT THIS!" When you live in the world of Autism 24/7 365 I admit you have moments of murkiness --you will believe certain things will happen when they wont or cant-- the flip side is, that being so completely immersed that you know when something is real; you know when you are seeing something you have never seen before and you know it is genuine.

This may seem a bit trivial as an excerpt for this journal BUT Not to me and not FOR Dakota-- again when you have typical kids this would never be something that any parent would even take notice of much less write about. For me its "An AHHHHA Moment"