Trying Hard not to be Defined ONLY by Autism or My Child

I believe I have written about this topic before ...do not know if I can offer any new insight but it has come to the forefront of my thought process again so here goes......

I dont write often about my personal dreams aspirations or expectations, after all this is a blog about living with Autism and it designed to address help, inspiration and encouragement to others traveling the same road. It has become glaringly apparant that there are a lot of us out there "on our own". That's not to say that there are not spouses, mates or exes that have some or little involvement and extended family that can, sometimes or often lend some kind of support in the daily routine or care for our kids.
Not to mention that is is relatively rare that the family is comprised of one individual with autism and there are no siblings. It is also more common than I imagined that many have more than one individual who has some type of challenge or diagnosis.

Guess where my thoughts are going is to the Mothers And  Fathers...who are out there doing it basically alone...and how their personal life and needs are altered simply by the fact that Autism has knocked on the door. It's no secret that the divorce rate is about 75% with families who have individuals on the spectrum AND THAT Autism played a major role in the demise of their union. It's not about pointing fingers who right who's wrong who didn't do what...IT JUST IS
Which leads me to the point of this passage...
just because you have a child with Autism doesn't mean your life should come to a screeching hault....BUT IT USUALLY DOES. People will say "you still have a life" "you can't let  IT control the situation" "don't you want or need someone" "oh there's  someone out there who will understand""there's someone for everyone"" you have a life ,too" and it goes on and on...it's not about putting your life on hold: the reality is autism is here to stay its real and it is a lifetime.So where do you go with that? how do you even attempt to simply date muchless meet a new partner, with the goods you have to sell? 

We are tired, frustrated, mentally and even sometimes physically abused.....we love our kids and won't give up on them but often just don't know how many more days or hours are in us. How can we possibly ask and prospective person to "buy a ticket and come join the show?"
I certainly didn't write this excerpt with the intention of having an answer for any who read but I can tell you that for me there is no right or wrong answer.....because I have faith that there are people who can accept these circumstances. I also am realistic to know that it is rare. I am famously quoted as saying "it's hard enough to be a single parent with "typical " kids and trying to find someone ...which very rarely works out BUT add to that a child who has developmental issues ....might as well forget it"

Our lives are filled with schedules and routines, doctors and therapists, coaches and programs..how do we make it all work..usually by forgoing a relationship.Less 
complicated and certainly  simpler.I am not sure that is how it is supposed to be. 

I am forever an optimist and choose to believe that if it is a factor in your life that is important then some how,some way,you will find a way to make it work. I will counter that with it's OK to be alone and to know that if you are comfortable that way there's is nothing wrong or odd and no ones opinion should color or change yours...

Since I am 28 years into this journey and the majority as a single Mom I can say that it would be nice to find someone. On the other hand where's the time or ability to do that???Not Sure..even go as far as to say that it could be an even bigger nightmare,if it's not the right one.It not about giving up or giving in, it's more about doing what works for everyone. Sometimes that means that you are the last one on the list.

In conclusion I will say that having someone there to even do something as simple as bring you a glass of water can be an exhilarating fabulous reward and is worth figuring out how to make it work.I recently got the opportunity to go out for an evening without Dakota (which had been years) Not only did I really need it and enjoyed it but realized that I was not defined by my child or Autism. That was a very good feeling

"Momma said there'd be Days like this"

Last  night as I was reading posts of FaceBook one of the parents posted what I think was not only the MOST appropriate  BUT WELL STATED comment about Autism in general:

Dear autism, we have had enough of you today, please go away. We are done with you. We are definitely breaking up. Please don't call or text. GOOD byyyeeeee!

The best break I have seen ...it gave me a chuckle but it also validated every day, every time I have just had enough..

I also recently learned that a close friend of mine has just started a journey of her own with the new job of caring for a family member who has dementia...She wrote me and said that it was challenging and some of the things that have happened were never in the realm of  what she ever imagined....."welcome to my world" 

I have made the observation that some people go through life virtually unscathed..no illness, no death, perfect kids and relationships and it's as if they are under some kind of lucky star...others can't seem to escape drama, maladies and constant turbulence in their lives...As I have gotten older one thing I have realized that almost everyone has at least ONE THING! One Wart, if you will! And we all learn to adjust, accept and deal. The bigger point is that USUALLY it is a passing thing it's a time you get through and then it is over. Autsim AINT THAT WAY! I think that is the most poignant observation.

Today was a day I needed that break up speech..simple and true. Dakota recently had a couple of weeks that were for lack of a better word challenging. I t frustrated me but more it affects me emotionally. For the most part I can pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with life but when it just keeps coming back at you again and again, it wears you down. I must admit I have had more than a couple of days wiping tears that well up in my eyes because  nothing just goes right and I cannot blame Dakota it is NOT his fault. His life and structure are so ridgid and it shrinks his world...mine along with it. I don't worry about the consequences for me only for Dakota. He did not ask to be born  so it is my job as his mother to do everything in my power to give him the best I can offer him.

Many criticize and make remarks ...he's spoiled , you do everything for him, he's always by your side.YES that's right. I owe that to him, I owe him a decent life ad NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR HIM. As long as I am on this planet and breathing he will be my job. And I can only hope and pray that when I am no longer able to do it that some how some one will step up and TRY to continue  what I did.....

Never-the-less one thing that can not be taken from him is his memories.I hope that as rotten as some if the times we have had to deal with that he will always remember his Momma loved him and your always walk on hot coals for him...I owe him that much!