CRUSHED

THIS EVENING I ACTUALLY EXPIERENCED A NEW "PHASE"

I AM CHOOSING MY WORDS VERY CAREFULLY BECAUSE I BY NO MEANS FEEL HELPLESS OR DEFEATED .JUST A FEELING OF HOW TO APPROACH WHAT "COULD" BE A NEW PROBLEM. DAKOTA HAD NEVER BEEN A PARTICULARLY AGGRESSIVE AUTISTIC CHILD [ PHYSICALLY ]. DONT GET ME WRONG HE HAS HAD HIS MOMENTS USUALLY WITH SOME PREDICABILITY OR AT LEAST AFTER ANALYZING A SITUATION I COULD UNDRSTAND HIS ACTIONS. I HAVE SEEN HIM BE PRIMARILY AGGRESSIVE IN ACTIONS LIKE STOMPING HIS FEET OR GROWLING OR EVEN SLAPPING HIS OWN FACE BUT VEY RARELY TOWARDS ANOTHER PERSON AND ALWAYS WITH NO INTENT TO HARM . HIS ACTIONS WERE ALWAYS A PRODUCT OF HIS INABILITY TO HANDLE A SITUATION AND HE LITERALLY HAD NO CONTROL AND IT MANIFESTED INTO A PHYSICAL ACTION.

I BELIEVE THAT THIS EVENING HE AGAIN WAS REACTING TO AN EVENT HE COULDNT HANDLE BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME HE REALLY LASHED OUT AT ME AND CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. HIS FATHER WAS RETURNING HIM FROM A VISIT AND THEY HAD GONE TO IN-N-OUT BEFORE COMING HOME. DAKOTA HAD A DRINK HE LEFT IN THE CAR--ON PURPOSE FOR SOME REASON HE DIDNT WANT TO TAKE IT IN --DAKOTA HAD GONE INTO THE HOUSE AND HIS DAD SAID HE YOU WANT HIS DRINK . I TOOK A SIP AND FROM NOWHERE DAKOTA LOST IT AND SAID HEY THATS MY DRINK AND HE CAME BEHIND ME AND SLAPPED MY BACK 3 TIMES VERY HARD GRABBED THE CUP AND THREW IT DOWN. AT THIS POINT I NOT SURE IF MY SPIRIT  IS MORE CRUSHED OR IF HE REALLY HURT ME MORE. ALTHOUGH HE HIT ME PRETTY GOOD AND IT STUNG THE FACT THAT I KNEW HE WAS COMING AND I DIDNT PUT MYSELF IN THE RIGHT POSTION TO AVOID CONTACT , HIS INABILITY TO "SHARE" AND THE LACK OF CONTROL OVER HIS PHYSICAL BODY HAS LEFT ME WITH A HUNDRED DIFFERENT THOUGHTS OF HOW I COULD HAVE CHANGED THIS OCCURANCE.    I THINK IT IS THE SIMPLE FACT THAT HE CANT APPRECIATE THE THINGS I DO FOR HIM AND HIS INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THAT HE CAN BE UPSET WITHOUT HITTING. I AM A TOUGH  PERSON AND INTIALLY "HIT BACK" WAS MY 1ST THOUGHT . I DIDNT AND I AM GLAD BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE JUSTIFIED THE BAD BEHAVIOR. AFTER A MOMENT I STARTED TO CRY--{I NEDDED A GOOD CRY ANYWAY [OTHER THINGS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE] }  HE ACTUALLY TOOK NOTICE AND  THEN BECAME CONCILLIATORY TOWARD ME.  HE DID EXPRESS REGRET AND WAS UNDERSTANDING THAT HE HURT WHICH IS A GOOD THING . I THINK WHY I AM SO CRUSHED IS FOR THE FIRST TIME I AM NOW GOING TO CONSTOUSLY POSTURE MYSELF IN THE FUTURE TO AVOD BEING PUT IN THAT SAME SITUATION. 

IT HURTS MY HEART THAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP  BUT THIS IS AUTISM! I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY  ND I WILL ALWAYS BE THINKING AHEAD . I JUST HOPE THAT I CAN FIND AWAY TO LIMIT THESE KINDS OF EVENTS!