My Baby cried like a Baby today.

There are so many myths about what Autism is and how it affects those who are challenged with this crazy diagnosis. One of the most prevelant is; our kids are so socially inept that they have no emotion or they have no preception how to display what emotion they might feel. A contributing factor to this is; many are unable to grasp "conceptual thinking" which is a part of  their inability to show emotion.

Dakota is for the most part one of these individuals. He has a high tolerance for pain and internalizes most of his feelings by no language or eye contact. Even when you challenge him to respond--he hears you and he understands you but 90% of the time he refrains from acknowledging any inquiry you have for him.
Even when we have lost pets or people who are a part of our "world" his reaction is relatively nill. Often several days later he will intitiate some conversation about the subject but almost always with very little emotion. Adversely I have also witnessed what appears to be callous response to someone who has hit their head or stubbed their toe. He often laughs inappropriately and seems to find humor alomst pleasure from someone elses pain.{I know in my head that this is just the Autism however there have been occassions where those close to him and his diagnosis have become perturbed with his reaction--simply because they do not understand it}


Well today was a different day. It is a fine line between sorrow since my baby was sad and joy that I was witnessing a break through. 

Dakota has suffered and extreme amount of anxiety about leaving school. So in an effort to keep him "connected" with the class, teacher and instructional aides we have tried to participate in a few activities since he graduated . 

This morning we met the class at Target for the Best Buddies Christmas shopping trip. He was so excited he got up and was ready to go way before he usually even wakes up! We got dressed and when we entered the store he was so happy! It was his "Nirvana". He saw his friend and immediately glommed on and that was it-- "leave me alone Mom".

I need to finish later cuz Dakota is nervous about me writing----OK

Dakota was inner-acting with the Best Buddies {the typical peers that are paired with the special kids} and of course those whom he knew from his class last year. Everytime he saw someone else his face lit up. He wanted nothing to do with me--In fact they all gathered in the little cafe and were having a snack and he literaly pushed me away--- I retreated to the car to allow him to have his time with his friends.

Afterall the fall-der-all the kids started coming out and getting ready to get on the bus to head back to school. I walked up and said "Come on Dakota we will follow the bus back"--about that time his teacher came out and said "I am sorry Dakota you cannot ride on the bus". In that moment it seems that all was ok. We walked back to our car, got inside and positioned ourselves to watch the bus so that when it took off we would be right behind it. I noticed that Dakota has gotten very quiet and he was starting to say things about school and the class and the fact that he was too old to be in class. His mouth started to pucker up and the corners turn down. I knew he was escalating. I felt so helpless cuz I didnt know how to stop the hurt. For a few moments  I beat myself up for even coming to the event. Then I realized I had a bigger mission here--What was done was done.I had to somehow make this a positive experience. As the bus turned out of the parking lot and headed for school the sorrow just became overwhelming for him. Huge crockadile tears, sobbing and snorting 
Oh My God  I dont think I have ever seen this much emotion. He was beside himself. Of course he lamented "They dont want me anymore!!!" "I didnt even graduate!" "They dont want me in the class!" My heart ached. I felt so incredibily bad for him. I actually pulled the car over and gave him a hug. I told him it was OK to be sad. He has the right to miss his friends. The important thing is for him to realize that is why you have to use the phone and email to keep in touch. So even if you don't see them in school every day you can still be their friends long after school is over for everyone.  

He gathered his thoughts and sniffled quite a bit. I contemplated for a split moment not to go back to the school but thought differently in a few minutes. Following thru on the intial plan to return to the school and the class was the right thing to do. It was what we planned and discussed. By not following through I could have made the situation worse.

When we arrived at the school we entered the classroom and in the very front of the class on the chalk board was a picture of Dakota. The teacher pointed out to him that even tho he has completed his class he is still there every day looking back at those who are still there. He nestled up to his best friend and they even went out and visited at the benches . I spent a few more minutes with the teacher and then Dakota came back in and said it was time to go--- I was so proud and sad and happy and sorrowful  all in one big ball. I didnt know what to feel. I knew that things happened today--Dakota really discovered some true emotion today and also how to recover and manage it. 

I dont think we are ever prepared for things like this . In the moment they can feel "icky". Once you reflect and see the bigger picture its actually your child growing and experiencing situations that perhaps we thought they might never experience!  AND in the end---it was a great day!!!!!!!!

It's Thanksgiving Let's Pretend! {dealing with OCD}

Well Thanksgiving was challenging to say the least== For the most part is was quiet and uneventful but Dakota had a hard time with the fact that his world was upside down. The was riddled with "faux pas".
The TV schedule was all screwed up for the most part the shows were not broadcast and the ones that were; were on at different times or channels:the fast food routine was a wreck because of course all of us "typical " people would say -- who wants to eat fast food on Thanksgiving??? but everything was closed and to top it off no mail no Banks and no stores open!

The hardest was the fast food---He even said "I just wish the day would hurry up and get over!"So I took him out for a little car ride just to ease the pain of all these changes scratching at his head----after we had been out for a while and we were edging toward home I got the idea of "pretend". Many Years ago a Mom described OCD to me as a superstition. That the act of doing what ever activity, was more about the feeling that something bad would happen to you, more than it was about what good feeling that activity yielded-- So as we got near home I thought why not try "pretend"?

This is what I did. We made it a joke and happy laughy thing-- I turned into the CLOSED DRIVE THRU -- drove up to the speaker and "pretended" to order the food and have a conversation with the "pretend" employee, spoke about the total and said-- "OK drive thru" approached the window and stopped . "Pretended" to hand money to the "pretend" person and got the "pretend" bag of food!! By this time Dakota was cracking up -- he was laughing so hard it was joy to my ears--- He said "Come on Mom lets get outta here-- all I see is ghosts!" I started cracking up and by the time we drove out of the drive thru we were both giggling!

It didn't resolve all of the anxiety for the day but it was a positive step in the right direction. Don't know if the unique quality of that one time was a fluke and it wont work in the future but I intend to keep it in my "bag of tools" and perhaps try it again!
Happy Thanksgiving to all ! Now here comes Christmas YIKES!

Finding their "Niche"

Perhaps I have written about this before --I feel very strongly about it so I guess it wont hurt to write again!

Our kids struggle thru school and most of them, even those with great "ability", are "warehoused" in Special Day Classes {SDC}. These classes and teachers do the best they can however the days are mired with interruptions and changes not to mention a various smattering of kids with all kinds of disabilities. Nevertheless Our kids get lost in the system and even with close monitoring and a strong IEP graduation comes and they are still not ready for "real life"!

So whats the saying???? When you get lemons learn to make lemonade!
Its sorta the same thing with our kids. When they come out of school you have to analyze and calculate where their "Niche" is. Many years ago Professor Stanley Swartz from Cal State San Bernardino told me that although he knew Dakota had a typical IQ he could not give me a piece of paper confirming that AND that what has to be done for him as well as most of the autistic kids exiting school is to find what they are good at and do everything to get them involved at any level with that activity. You have to expound on their strengths.

Dak is a TV junky-- he loves reality TV and game Shows in particular-- I know it may not be the greatest strength but it is what he gravitates towards.So when trying to assess what he might be good at then this information can be helpful.

Perhaps audio/visual classes at the junior college level, maybe working as a page at a local TV station or an extra in the industry.
What we have discovered is that Dakota is a great audience member. Follows direction well and seems to enjoy the whole process-- so he could potentially join a casting company.

My point is that you have to look at it like the glass is half full not half empty--- look at your child and assess what he/she likes, what he/she pays attention to, what his/her positive abilities are and turn them into a job or at least an activitity that can make them feel good about themselves.

I know this sounds simple.
Seems like everyone should think about these things.
Sometimes we are so overwhelmed with the "day" its hard to think about "next week"! Its all for the kids. Its help for your brain!

Making Decisions

Perhaps I have written about this before but I think it deserves repeating---

Since Dakota was not talking I have always said I would be so happy when he can express himself and when he does I will honor his wishes. I have been finding decision making very difficult because of Dakotas inability to do so. I will ask him a question or try to give him a choice and inadvertently he will respond wit "I DON'T KNOW"-- It drives me crazy-- "yes" means maybe and "no" can mean anything from yes to no to I don't know!!!

So this is how I have made things better---When there is a question and I want his opinion or choice I simply take a piece of note paper and write the choices. I explain the prerequisites to the question then I hand him the paper and pen and let him physically mark his choice---
For example:Last Saturday was Halloween-- Dakota was supposed to see his Dad--but I had been decorating at home and planning to dress up -So I explained to him he could go now or wait till after the trick or treaters came and then go -- I wrote the choices on the paper and then let him mark his choice---
For some reason this method has really helped.
I am not sure why . I think perhaps it is because he can actually see the choice in print so it "cements the choice". Another added perk is that the paper remains around until after the choice is executed this allows Dakota to refer back to it and know that it was his choice not some one elses.

Not sure if this will work for others but I know it has been very effective for us-- All I can say is keep searching and trying different things till you find a solution for your home. I know it has made a difference for our home.

Time Change

Just a quick reminder about the Time Change--- It is very easy to forget about it or not realize that it can make a significant impact on your autistic individual.
So if a new behavior has suddenly appeared or you are getting some kind of squirrely, off the wall change up in sleeping or eating or any other routine--- Just be aware of the change.........
Time change affects all of us in dome way so give your child a little extra care and kindness as I am dure he too is dealing with the "change-up"

Halloween and the "Holidays"

Happy Halloween or All Hallows Eve as some refer to it which is followed by All Saints day the actual reason for Halloween-- to cast away all the horrible and prepare to usher in the celebration of all that is good! YeaH RighT !!!!

Briefly I want to touch on something I have "nagged " about for many years. Probably on this journal a few too times,too! Parents Caregivers and all who are touched by our "kids" THIS IS A TRYING TIME --THE HOLIDAYS! All of us are stressed out and hurried trying to cram all the event that surrond the end of the year---Can you imagine what it does to our kids? I cannot stress on all how important it is to be cognitive of all that surrounds us. The lights, the decorations, the family gatherings, all the shopping, the smells, the visual stimulus, parties, plays etc.etc. our kids are so conditioned to routine that the holidays are like throwing a bomb into the middle of an already burning building. Behaviors will be up and compliance down. Remember too that if there are siblings in the mix that their activities will also affect behavior. Just want to put this out there because we all get caught up in one way or another and it becomes really easy to loose sight of the "big picture"--Every Day Life and Our Journey. Holidays make us all crazy including our kids. Do yourself a favor and make room for extra patience and tolerance and it will be better for all involved.

My personal experience this year specifically with Halloween has been very different. Every year Dakota has been motivated curious interested in everything to do with Halloween---This year was different. He seemed more anxious to get through it, less interersted in even having dialogue about costumes, decorating the house or participating in general, like handing our candy.

My observations and assumptions are this:

As with all things a pattern or routine is established.Our kids follow learned behavior-- then they start to grow and develop. They are exposed to many changes like people saying to them "oh arent you getting too old to Trick or Treat?"They get around typical peers who are going to parties or dances {which usually our kids are not included}or worst those same typical peers tease or taunt about doing the activities our kids have seemed to accepted. My guy is de-coding all this social crap and he is on his own personal hell trying to figure out what to do and how to do it-- rather than knowing that he likes something and just doing it whether anyone else likes it or not--{redundant to say it but again the social deficit our kids do not have} Then with the lack of language skills, not being able to say what your are feeling or thinking or at least not able to describe the thought process to someone who might be able to help our kids may shut down or act out. No real way to find resolution because they often times cannot do for themselves and those who want to help do not have a clue t