CRUSHED

THIS EVENING I ACTUALLY EXPIERENCED A NEW "PHASE"

I AM CHOOSING MY WORDS VERY CAREFULLY BECAUSE I BY NO MEANS FEEL HELPLESS OR DEFEATED .JUST A FEELING OF HOW TO APPROACH WHAT "COULD" BE A NEW PROBLEM. DAKOTA HAD NEVER BEEN A PARTICULARLY AGGRESSIVE AUTISTIC CHILD [ PHYSICALLY ]. DONT GET ME WRONG HE HAS HAD HIS MOMENTS USUALLY WITH SOME PREDICABILITY OR AT LEAST AFTER ANALYZING A SITUATION I COULD UNDRSTAND HIS ACTIONS. I HAVE SEEN HIM BE PRIMARILY AGGRESSIVE IN ACTIONS LIKE STOMPING HIS FEET OR GROWLING OR EVEN SLAPPING HIS OWN FACE BUT VEY RARELY TOWARDS ANOTHER PERSON AND ALWAYS WITH NO INTENT TO HARM . HIS ACTIONS WERE ALWAYS A PRODUCT OF HIS INABILITY TO HANDLE A SITUATION AND HE LITERALLY HAD NO CONTROL AND IT MANIFESTED INTO A PHYSICAL ACTION.

I BELIEVE THAT THIS EVENING HE AGAIN WAS REACTING TO AN EVENT HE COULDNT HANDLE BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME HE REALLY LASHED OUT AT ME AND CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. HIS FATHER WAS RETURNING HIM FROM A VISIT AND THEY HAD GONE TO IN-N-OUT BEFORE COMING HOME. DAKOTA HAD A DRINK HE LEFT IN THE CAR--ON PURPOSE FOR SOME REASON HE DIDNT WANT TO TAKE IT IN --DAKOTA HAD GONE INTO THE HOUSE AND HIS DAD SAID HE YOU WANT HIS DRINK . I TOOK A SIP AND FROM NOWHERE DAKOTA LOST IT AND SAID HEY THATS MY DRINK AND HE CAME BEHIND ME AND SLAPPED MY BACK 3 TIMES VERY HARD GRABBED THE CUP AND THREW IT DOWN. AT THIS POINT I NOT SURE IF MY SPIRIT  IS MORE CRUSHED OR IF HE REALLY HURT ME MORE. ALTHOUGH HE HIT ME PRETTY GOOD AND IT STUNG THE FACT THAT I KNEW HE WAS COMING AND I DIDNT PUT MYSELF IN THE RIGHT POSTION TO AVOID CONTACT , HIS INABILITY TO "SHARE" AND THE LACK OF CONTROL OVER HIS PHYSICAL BODY HAS LEFT ME WITH A HUNDRED DIFFERENT THOUGHTS OF HOW I COULD HAVE CHANGED THIS OCCURANCE.    I THINK IT IS THE SIMPLE FACT THAT HE CANT APPRECIATE THE THINGS I DO FOR HIM AND HIS INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THAT HE CAN BE UPSET WITHOUT HITTING. I AM A TOUGH  PERSON AND INTIALLY "HIT BACK" WAS MY 1ST THOUGHT . I DIDNT AND I AM GLAD BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE JUSTIFIED THE BAD BEHAVIOR. AFTER A MOMENT I STARTED TO CRY--{I NEDDED A GOOD CRY ANYWAY [OTHER THINGS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE] }  HE ACTUALLY TOOK NOTICE AND  THEN BECAME CONCILLIATORY TOWARD ME.  HE DID EXPRESS REGRET AND WAS UNDERSTANDING THAT HE HURT WHICH IS A GOOD THING . I THINK WHY I AM SO CRUSHED IS FOR THE FIRST TIME I AM NOW GOING TO CONSTOUSLY POSTURE MYSELF IN THE FUTURE TO AVOD BEING PUT IN THAT SAME SITUATION. 

IT HURTS MY HEART THAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP  BUT THIS IS AUTISM! I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY  ND I WILL ALWAYS BE THINKING AHEAD . I JUST HOPE THAT I CAN FIND AWAY TO LIMIT THESE KINDS OF EVENTS!

 

BEWARE

I HAVE HAD THIS SWIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD  FOR DAYS AND HAVE FINALLY DECIDED THAT I HAVE TO SPEAK OUT ON THIS-----I HAVE TOO!!!! IN THE PAST WEEK I CAME UPON AN EMAIL FROM A MOM WHO IS ON ONE OF THE ONLINE SUPPORT GROUPS WHO RECENLY WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE.  OK THATS NOT UNCOMMON BUT WHAT THE JUDGE AND ONE OF THE ATTORNEYS DID IS-----

I AM SO PISSED OFF BY THIS I FEEL THAT MY BLOG WILL HELP ME WORK THROUGH THE EMOTIONS AND GIVE ME A SENSE OF RELIEF BY EXPOSING THESE PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE. I AM FOR THE MOST PART A REASONABLE PERSON WHO ABIDES BY THE LAW OF OUR LAND AND I RESPECT THOSE WHO ENFORCE AND ADMINISTER IT. JUDGES IN PARTICULAR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PILARS OF OUR COMMUNITY AND RESPECTED INTELLIGENT NON-PARTIAL INDIVIDUALS. NOT IN THE CASE OF COMMISSIONER RICHARD D HUGHES-LA COUNTY CIVIL COURT IN POMONA  OR                            ATTORNEY KAREN V ANDERSON OF CLAREMONT CALIFORNIAWHO ATTEMPTED TO SEPARATE SIBLINGS  ON THE SIMPLE FACT THAT THE AUTISTIC SIB MAY HAVE A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON THE NEURO-TYPICAL SIB.   YES THATS RIGHT FOLKS THIS MOM WAS IN DIVORCE COURT APPROX 9-2003 AND THE JUDGE AS WELL AS THE ATTORNEY LISTED ABOVE FOUGHT TO SEPARATE SIBLINGS !AND SUCEEDED  FOR A PERIOD OF ABOUT A YEAR--      MOM FINALLY GOT THEM BACK TOGETHER AFTER ANOTHER COURT BATTLE AND THEIR PERMENENT PLACEMENT IS STILL UP IN THE AIR. 

WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS??? WASNT IT 1965 WHEN  CIVIL RIGHTS WAS PASSED INTO LAW???DISCRIMINATON ,SEGREGATION, INTOLERANCE AND STUPIDITY IS ALL I CAN SAY.

AS A MOM OF AN AUTISTIC INDIVIDUAL I CAN ONLY STRESS HOW "SILENT BEHAVIOR OF INTOLERANCE " HAS PERMEATED THROUGH OUR SCHOOLS COMMUNITIES AND WORLD. I HAVE SEEN TEACHERS OF NEURO-TYPICAL KIDS WITHOUT WORDS PURPOSELY AVOID OUR KIDS SETTING THE EXAMPLE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN TO FOLLOW BECAUSE AFTERALL IF A ROLE MODEL EXHIBITS THAT TYPE OF BEHVIOR THEN IS OK??? RIGHT???? THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND WE HAVE TO SHARE THIS EARTH. THE ONE PERSON YOU TURN YOUR NOSE UP TOO MAY JUST BE THE PERSON WHO CAN PRODUCE A SOLUTION TO ONE OF YOUR INADEQUECIES.

I DONT ASK PEOPLE TO EMBRACE OR EVEN INCLUDE MY SON IN THEIR LIFE ALL I ASK IS THAT WE ALL SIT BACK AND ASSESS OUR OWN DEFICITS AND REALIZE NO MATTER HOW PERFECT WE THINK WE ARE ; WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING THAT WE ARE NOT SO GOOD AT ; SO TOLERANCE IS THE KEY !WE ARE A COMMUNITY ALL DIFFERENT AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES EACH ONE OF US UNIQUE . BASIC SIMPLE HUMAN KINDNESS .

AND OH YES COMMISIONER RICHARD D HUGHES AND                           ATTORNEY KAREN V ANDERSON  I AM SO ASHAMED AND APPALLED AT YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS OR BELIEF SYSTEM. TO ALLOW YOURSELVES TO ENTERTAIN FOR ONE MOMENT THAT IT IS OK TO  SEPARATE SIBLINGS BECAUSE OF A DISABILITY FOR EVEN ONE MINUTE IS WRONG. I AM SORRY        I DO PASS JUDGEMENT ON YOU   AND THAT IS VERY UNUSUAL FOR ME! 

 

"FIRST-S"

IT'S A REALLY STRANGE THING TO BE ACCOUNTING FOR "FIRST-S" WHEN YOUR "BABY" IS 18--THATS CALLED AUTISM. EVERY BABY-STEP  IS A CELEBRATION OF PROGRSS NOT REGRESSION! 

TODAY OUR FAMILY EXPIERENCED 3 OCCASSIONS WHEN DAKOTA DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS STILL A NEW SENSATION. IT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DOCUMENT. YOU REALLY LEARN HOW TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LIVE WITH AUTISM ON A DAILY BASIS.

DAKOTA ACTUALLY REFUSED TO PUT ON A SHIRT I TOOK FROM HIS CLOSET .HE THEN WENT TO THE CLOSET AND PICKED A  SHIRT BY HIMSELF. ALTHOUGH IT WASNT WHAT I WOULD HAVE LIKED HIM TO WEAR I JUMPED AT THE OPPORTUNITY TO PRAISE HIM AND HELP HIM  DONN HIS CHOICE!    WHEN HE CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL THERE WAS SOME WORK BEING DONE AT THE HOUSE AND HE TROTTRD TO THE BACK OF THE HOUSE TO "CHECK-UP" ON THE WORKERS AND TO CHECK ON THEIR PROGRESS ! THEN WHEN HE WAS EATING WE PREPARE A GLASS OF DECAF ICE TEA FOR HIM WHICH NEEDS TO BE IN ONE SPECIFIC GLASS WITH ONLY A FLEX STRAW AND HE ONLY DRINKS ONE GLASS AND HE QUITS EATING WHEN THE GLASS IS DRANK [O.C.D.] BUT TODAY HE ALLOWED THE GLASS TO BE REFILLED AT THE TABLE AND IT WAS ONLY FILLED ABOUT 3/4'S FULL AND HE CONTINUED EATING AND DRINKING WITHOUT INCIDENT---OH MY GOD-- IT AMAZING THAT HE DIDNT QUIT RIGHT THEN AND THERE OR DISPLAY BEHAVIOR.

I KNOW THIS MUST BE A VERY QUEER THING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS OUTSIDE THE REALM OF LIVING WITH AUTISM TO BE READING BUT I M SURE THAT ANYONE WHO IS AROUND AN AUTISTIC INDIDIVDUAL WILL UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHY I AM DOCUMENTING!  HOOOOOORAAAAAY  

HEALTH ISSUES

OK GUESS WE'LL START OFF WITH THE DISCOVERY OF A WISDOM TOOTH  LAST NIGHT---WELL WELL  WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW DAKOTA HAS BEEN HAVING A BIT MORE TROUBLE AT SCHOOL THE PAST 2 WEEKS AND  I JUST THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS REDUCING HIS RESPIRIDOL OR THE FRUSTRATION LEVEL WAS UP BECAUSE OF SPRING BREAK , THE MINOR SURGERY ON HIS TOE OR THE FACT THAT HE HAD MISSED A COUPLE OF DAYS OF SCHOOL  OR HE WAS JUST PROGRESSING INTO A MORE AGGRESSIVE MODE DUE TO HIS AGE WHICH WAS THE SCARIEST SENARIO OF ALL.

ONCE AGAIN I NEED TO STICK TO THAT GUT INSTINCT THAT TELLS ME THESE KIDS ARE FOR THE MOST PART NOT AGGRESSIVE OR HAVE ESCALATED BEHAVIORS UNLESS THEY ARE PROVOKED. IT HAS BEEN MY EXPIERENCE FOR THE PASSED 16  YEARS OR SO THAT ALMOST EVERY SINGLE TIME THAT DAKOTAS BEHAVIOR UNEXPLICABLY BECOME MUCH MORE INTENSE  THERE IS A LEGITIMATE REASON. I FAULT MYSELF WHEN I DISMISS THE BEHAVIOR TO AUTISM I HAVE FAILED HIM. I GO BACK TO THE FIRST EXPLOSION I REMEMBER AT ABOUT 2 WHNE HE WAS EXTREMELY PISSY ALL DAY JUST A PILL AND MY PATIENCE HAD SEEN BETTER DAYS I WAS VERY UPSET WITH HIM AND AT MY ROPES END ALLDAY LONG HE TORMENTED   WHAN WE GOT HOME I WENT TO CHANGE HIM AND TOOK OFF HIS SHOE TO FIND A GREEN LOLIPOP IN THE BOTTOM OF THE INSIDE OF HIS SHOE  HOW IT GOT THERE --NOT SURE --THINK THE SHOES WERE IN THE DIAPER BAG AND SOMEHOW THE LOLI-POP ENDED UP IN THE SHOE  BUT NOT DAKOTAS FAULT MINE   -- MINE BOY WAS I PISSED OFF AT MYSELF BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN AFTER HIM ALL DAY ABOUT HIS "PISSY-NESS" AND ALL ALONG WHOS FAULT///MINE!

SO THE LESSON HERE IS WHETHER VERBAL OR NOT  I PLEAD WITH YOU TO DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO TAKE A BREATH AND REALLY ANALYZE THE SITUATION BEFORE YOU FREAK OU ABOUT YOUR CHILDS BEHAVIOR --  BECAUSE MY CONTENETION IS THAT THERE IS SOMETHING DRIVING THAT BEHAVIOR. IT MAY TAKE A COUPLE OF HOURS OR EVEN DAYS BUT I BET EVENTUALLY YOU WILL FIND A REASON FOR THE "PISSY-NESS" DO NOT DIMISS ANTHING.IT CAN BE SOMETHIN AS SIMPLE AS ENVIROMENT THE CARPET, THE COLOR OF THE WALLS ,THE MUSIC,THE LIGHTING OR IT COULD BE A LITTLE MORE COMPLEX LIKE HE ORDER OF THINGS THE FACTS THAT IT IS A DIFFERENT BUS OR BUS DRIVER , A TV SHOW THAT IS PREEMPTED OR NOT ON WHEN IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON. A SUBSTITUTE AIDEOR TEACHER HERES ONE DAKOTA FREAKED WHEN THEY CHANGED THE MILK CARTONS AT SCHOOLIT CAN BE EVERYTHING OR ANYTHING KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN AND QUESTION YOUR CHILD SOMETIMES THEIR REACTION WILL TELL YOU.

JUST REMEMBER DONT BE QUICK TO BLAME THE AUTISM USE THE AUTISM TO BE A SIGNAL TO TELL YOU THAT THERE IS PROBABLY SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON WITH OUR CHILD!

1:43 AM -SPRING BREAK

WELL --DEEP SIGH---- HERE I AM AND DAK IS STANDING RIGHT OVER ME--SO MUCH FOR HIS 10 PM BED CURFEW---OH DONT MISUNDERSTAND HE WENT TO BED AT 10PM PLEADING FOR ME TO LAY DOWN WITH HIM. 2 HOURS LATER HE IS STILL AWAKE BUT GOD FORBID HE WILL NOT ALLOW A LIGHT OR THE TV TO BE PUT ON IN THE BEDROOM.I KNOWS IT A CONTROL ISSUE COUPLED WITH ANXIETY BUT ITS DRIVING ME TO THE CAMARILLO STATE MENTAL INSTITUTION!!!!!! 

SO NOW HE IS PACING BACK AND FORTH MONITORING MY EVERY MOVE AND REFUSING TO SLOW DOWN OR RELAX!!!YIKES

I KNOW I HAVE WRITTEN PREVIOUSLY ABOUT FRUSTRATION BUT I THINK IT IS ONE OF MY BUZZ WORDS FOR THIS DISORDER. IT IS SO INCREDIBLY CONSUMING TO DEAL WITH ALL THAT IS PAST YOUR WAY VIA YOUR CHILD DAILY!  YOUR ARE CONSTANTLY ANALYZING OR POSTURING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT OR BETTER FOR YOUR KIDS. YOU KNOW IF HEY ARE GONNA GIVE YOU A CHILD WITH AUTISM THEY OUGHT TO AT LEAST GIVE YOU COPING STRATEGIES SO YOU DONT GO NUTS TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING OR FIGURE IT OUT!!!!

IT WORKED -- HE HAS FINALLY AQUIESTED AND DECIDED TO GO TO BED WITHOUT MY COMPANY . I WANT TO BE LOVING ,KIND AND COMPASSIONATE BUT I ALSO NEED HIM TO BECOME INDEPENDENT AND I AM WORRIED THAT HE NEEDS US FOR THINGS THAT HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO ON HIS OWN. I KNOW HES NOT A REGULAR KID AND I AM ALWAYS AWARE OF THAT BUT IT IS EQUALLY HARD TO FIND MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN UPPORTING HIM AND ENABLING.SO NOW HE HAS GONE ON HIS OWN I GUESS I WILL LOG OFF AND CHECK IN ON HIM.

BYE TO ALL FOR NOW                                                                                      WILL WRITE MORE SOON