As I have written weekends have been a stressful time and I am getting to the point where I just want to skip right over them because I almost know there is going to be a behavior befor it even happens. I have gone over it in my head some any times I'm sick of even thinking about it...I have tried and tried....power of suggestion ("Were gonna have a good weekend")...I have tried filling his day up with almost driving half of Southern California, I have tried to suggest new and different things, I have tried going back to old activities, I have tried diversion tactics I have just frickin tried anything my brain can conceive and it's just not working and I'm just drained......
I put aside the guilt of Dakota being born with the challenges he has, you can beat yourself to death with the "what ifs"...and that will not change anything. Its water under the bridge you cannot reverse it so anything I have even thought of that might be my fault doesn't matter at this point because it is what it is. You educate yourself , you advocate for him , you do the best you can and you continue even when school stops, to teach and educate him so he may have a better quality of life and then you have a day like today or like so many in the past...and it ruptures all those thoughts or feelings that you are OK with things and you have made peace with it . You have to try to make peace with it or you will drown AND you will never be able to be supportive for your child...
BUT..........when you experience a meltdown whether severe intense ones or rather mild ones as a mother or should I say a parent?its very hard to suppress the feeling that some how your child is miserable, depressed, crying, upset, out of control because YOU brought him into this world and now he has to endure these terrible episodes that he has no control over. When he yells and screams, cries out with agony in his voice, grabs your hand and wants you to hit him, or he grabs his ears and pulls on them, grabs himself and stomps like a Sumo wrestler or the worst which is swats and swings at you from anger that builds up like steam in a kettle and you KNOW, he doesn't mean it and doesn't have an ability to stop himself , it's quite devastating. Sometimes it's not very long or intense and other times it seems like it last forever and it always seems like the worse one you ever seen.
When it starts to quell the emotional takes over . For the most part being quiet and ignoring as much as you can will help to expedite the end. Then there are ones that will seem to be over yet it only takes the wrong look or word and they crop up like a twister....there are others that are mild but always require a period of time to "rally" quite often there will be crying and down right sobbing and that's when you are almost ashamed you made a choice to bring them into this world...you wonder why ? You feel so bad for him all you want to do is get rid of he pain he suffers yet you do not have that ability and it kills you....
Several hours since the storm blew threw and he is peacefully sleeping....the darkness of the night brings my sadness and remorse ..for what I'm not exactly sure.........I'm sad he has to endure, I'm sad he has to experience this, I'm sad he doesn't have the ability to avoid it, I'm sad I can't be a better parent mostly I'm sad I can wish it away.....
Today He cried.................tonight I cried.............
Hopefully tomorrow will be better!
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