Autism by Osmosis

After 28 years and many encounters with a roller coaster ride of emotions I have come to the conclusion that I suffer from Autism by Osmosis....I know many of you many of you probably think I am off my rocker and others probably completely understand my thought process.

There is often times a "bi-polar" or "manic - depressive " condition to what a caregiver or parent goes through when living with, dealing with, or merely trying to understand what your individual is experiencing or acting out about...Even when there is a positive behavior like conquering or completing a task never befor preformed...there is a vast array of emotions . Extremely high and overwhelmingly low. I know I am not the only one who feels this....

What brought me to the blog tonight was an overwhelming feeling of sadness and in ability to get my son to understand the seriousness of things that go around in my mind on a daily basis...First I want to scream and cry and yell "Don't you get it...Don't you realize you are an adult and you should be able to do these things for yourself???""what happens if I am not here to help you?" "When I get old and can't help you" "who will do it"..... Then comes the reasoning ....well you can do this..or you can do that then why can't you do this??? Now comes the surge in the other direction guilt and sorrow and helplessness.....he cannot help it because he can't do this that or the other thing, why am I so hard on him, why did I let it upset me, do others struggle with these same thoughts? Am I whining? Am I wimp? Why can't I Take it ?  Why does it get to me?
Then the slump goes even further"What's going to happen to him when I am gone?" "Who will love him like I do? " " Who will give him the same care.".Will he sit I a corner and drool and no one will provide a "life"for him.....

I get angry And I yell...I feel like I have lost all hope.
Just when I think the screw is a loose as it's gonna get a "wash" of new thoughts and optimism comes like somewhere some one knew I needed to tighten the screw before it fell off...

I see Dakotas behaviors sometime and I cannot imagine the world he has to deal with every day. I see him get mad and act out and get angry, even tho he has a voice his body often reacts. It's not his fault it's autism and it's can be pretty shitty. How can I be mad at him when it IS his disability..

The ups and downs happening so quickly are difficult to grasp, when We live in a world with an individual who lives these emotions it's difficult to not adopt some of the same behavior. it's not our fault it's Human Nature to adapt to your environment and that's why I believe it's easy to be Autistic by Osmosis!