More than once a day I think about writing another entry here. Thoughts flood my mind and I am always thinking about whether others are feeling oe experiencing the same.
I recently read a post by another mom who likened Autism to an empty suitcase and how you have to decide what to pack into it. Her retort was in response to others who have gone on to comment that Autism can be compared to an unexpected trip to Holland when you thought you were going to Italy as well as another Mom who expressed herself by saying we were all chosen for this "task". I dont know if I have come to a "clarity" as these women have. After 23 years I only know that this is what we have challenges and delights or anything in between and WE DEAL WITH IT. Dont like it; wish I didnt have to learn about Autism; want a fairytale life BUT this is it.
There are so many sayings out there; take your lemons and make lemonaid-- tommorrow is another day-- Hold out Hope.
THE ONE THAT GETS ME THE MOST IS:
"God doesnt give you more than you can handle." BULLSHIT
I do not mean to offend anyone and I know each and everyone who has said that to me was a caring well meaning individual BUT I just cannot stand this saying. I am a Christian and I do believe that there is a God. God does not have anything to do with this part of your exsistance in my humble opinion. I will stop right there!
My thought is this; each and everyone of us have challenges in our life. If its not an abusive relationship, its a child that might have an addiction problem, there could be an accident which rendered a person with disability for the remainder of their life, A member of the family has Lupus or Cancer or Diabetes, Divorce, abandonment and the list goes on. EVERYONE handles anyone of these things differently. Some are strong some are not. Many get through it with out a blink of an eye, others crumble at the first defeat. God does gives us more than we can handle. It is how we handle it that determines whether we make it through. Some people use drugs or alcohol, some committ suicide, some end up in a mental institution others just "muscle" through.
What I know: you have to find your own groove. You have to find what "helps you through the night". Its one foot in front of the other and its day to day-- trying not to refer back to a "saying" but "One Day at a time" and the "Serenity Prayer" have been my crutches.Of course I would be remiss if I didnt mention watching my baby grow and develop as part of my "lust for life".
Circling back to the original intent of this piece; I have been flooded with thoughts to post yet reluctant to write. Mostly because I have found that allowing time to pass before I write gives me a little more perspective.
My committment from the onset of this blog was to write with the intent to help other parents sort out their experiences and emotions. To allow them to read good and bad and everything in between so they can put perspective own their situation. To know they are not alone. Mostly to let any denial or bad feelings be resolved when they realize that its OK to feel however they feel BUT to never loose sight of their child and his /her disability. Never apologize to someone outside of the situation who doesnt understand-- Their child has a disability and frankly theres no time for that.
I have been having some pretty rough times with Dakota lately. I have held back writing about it as I am waiting for the moment when the behavior makes sense to me. All this has stifled my ability to write about it and is why I have stumbled on to this observational excerpt on feelings, thoughts and purpose. Perhaps this is allowing me to navigate through my own feelings.
I promised myself at the begining that I would never hold back; good and bad. For the first time I am trying to withhold comments because I feel that I am Jaded right now-- I am worn down and loosing perspective --- These times come BUT they also go. I need some rest, respite and/or escape-- I know it, I just dont see any possibility right now especially with the issues Dakota is going through.
So I will hold my comments on this particualr "chapter" of our lives till I feel my words are not tainted by my own frustration.
So much going through my head yet my words are empty.
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