Even In the Quietest Moments----

I choose that song title because it has such a broad -base meaning--- Its from Supertramp 's album "Breakfast in America"

I guess I find myself sitting at this dumb machine in the wee hours of night ---Its really my time and I have discovered that this is my time and my element . Conditioning from work --perhaps; but I think more so the absolutely love and romance of the night. Also having a child with Autism can dictate when you can get time for yourself and often times it is when they have crashed and burned for the day.So you take the chance that they will stay down long enuf to indulge a little "guilty pleasure " and still have time to catch a few zzzzz's before another day breaks.

I have to admit that sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.It can be exhausting and emotional. Often times the reality that you will never experience the "empty nest syndrome" is sad. - Then you sit up and take notice of just how lucky you are to have a kid that doesn't break curfew. and doesnt walk around with his pants down around his knees and you think "hey how bad can life be?" I wouldn't trade my guy for all the "typical Kids in the world. Oh sure it would be nice if he would participate in a sport or music program or want to go to a dance or do some art BUT again he is an individual with his own likes and dislikes and there are plenty of other kids who don't do those things either--

Again I kinda get off subject-- I was heading toward the self loathing and guilt aspect and BOOM I got side tracked--- My thought or topic was stealing away moments for myself and the guilt that comes with it.

Most everyone I know says you have to have some me time -- you need adult time --"How can you function properly if you don't get some time to yourself?" I find that when I take an opportunity to have me time the guilt overwhelms me -- I should be doing this or that--- What have I forgotten to do??? etc etc There's laundry, there's dishes, I need to call here or I need to make an appointment there---It drives me crazy. The most important thing I have discovered is that I will end up doing nothing or worst procrastinate when I get in to this mode. I cant tell you how many times I have found myself doing nothing simply because I feel guilty for doing something other than for my son--- What a load of crap is that???No one wins

So even in the quietest moments I sit at the computer and write hoping that my "adult escape" will purge my guilt but more importantly help someone else to not make the mistakes that I have!